I Am Afraid
I Am Afraid!
I awoke this morning, the 2nd of August, afraid. It was a physical feeling, deep in my soul. Because I sleep alone and my house has sleeping teens, I told God. I did not yell or cry or become emotional. I just told God I was afraid. You see, it's August and that means, as a teacher, school is just weeks away from starting again. And I have told God many times that I do not want to go back there. It's a WONDERFUL place; solid group of teachers, a family, led by a wonderful man. It's not that; it's that my heart/soul is ready to move on.
Then at church, Oceans by Hillsong was played and the tears came, because the opening line is "You call me out upon the waters, The great unknown where feet may fail". He continues to call me where I don't want to go. I'm not a person, if you met me, you would consider being afraid, but I am. I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of not being patient. I'm afraid of the physical feeling of being trapped in a classroom all day long, missing life outside the walls. I'm afraid my faults of sarcasm and prickliness and resentment will overpower me regularly and I won't glorify God where he wants me.
Ever heard of surrender - yeah me too - too many times, because apparently I still need to be corrected there. This summer I learned that surrender WITHOUT agreement looks very much like a three year old not getting her way. So by God's grace, I continue to be a work in progress; facing my August fears (yes, it's possible to be afraid of six year olds with no teeth), knowing that God would not continue to call me there without giving me beyond what I need for His work.
It’s back – the Afraid feeling. It hit me as I walked out of the doors of church today, October 25. If I am honest with myself, being afraid never really left me in the past two months. I know that what I did/have done is trust without borders and just keep moving forward every day. I have managed to take action in light of what I fear; someone told me once that that IS courage.
Here’s where courage took me since August:
I told my prayer partner this past month that being obedient feels good; that trusting God and not constantly searching for the reasons or the future feels good. And it does, it’s less burdensome for sure. And my faith has been made stronger!
Today I’m so afraid it’s choking me. It was truly like a wave washed me under! I just spent over an hour with God, worshiping, listening to the sermon, watching families dedicate their children to the Lord, and a mom baptize her 10 year old daughter. I should have been overjoyed and full of God’s love and grace, that by the way, Pastor Randy said is new every day. God doesn’t give used grace out (pretty profound when you allow yourself to stop and think about the magnitude of that).
But ALL THAT I could think and carry across the parking lot was being afraid of going to church alone forever. It’s Sunday and I’m afraid of the day, deep dread, is that the same as fear I wonder, because it sure feels like it.
Today it paralyzed me; the ocean was rising, rising, rising and immobilized me from being able to complete my list: ironing, making cookies, writing, and schoolwork. I’m afraid of going back to school tomorrow, because I know that the feelings are there. The feelings of being trapped in the same routine, of feeling inadequate as a teacher, of 23 children needing me so much and not having it to give. Mostly being afraid of never getting out.
The August fear of school was apparently just the first wave to hit me. Each one that follows shakes me. Each one is a test of my obedience to take a step where I cannot see, but can only trust. I’m still afraid, but I will face Monday with the hope that the water you call me out upon will be guided by your sovereign hand as I remain obedient.
You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where my feet may fail – but then they don’t fail; I am able to go more. Logically I KNOW you haven’t failed me and you’ve comforted me every morning as I face the day. I KNOW THIS! So in light of my fear, I call upon YOUR name, the only one that’s never changed and I know I am yours always.
I awoke this morning, the 2nd of August, afraid. It was a physical feeling, deep in my soul. Because I sleep alone and my house has sleeping teens, I told God. I did not yell or cry or become emotional. I just told God I was afraid. You see, it's August and that means, as a teacher, school is just weeks away from starting again. And I have told God many times that I do not want to go back there. It's a WONDERFUL place; solid group of teachers, a family, led by a wonderful man. It's not that; it's that my heart/soul is ready to move on.
Then at church, Oceans by Hillsong was played and the tears came, because the opening line is "You call me out upon the waters, The great unknown where feet may fail". He continues to call me where I don't want to go. I'm not a person, if you met me, you would consider being afraid, but I am. I'm afraid of losing myself. I'm afraid of not being patient. I'm afraid of the physical feeling of being trapped in a classroom all day long, missing life outside the walls. I'm afraid my faults of sarcasm and prickliness and resentment will overpower me regularly and I won't glorify God where he wants me.
Ever heard of surrender - yeah me too - too many times, because apparently I still need to be corrected there. This summer I learned that surrender WITHOUT agreement looks very much like a three year old not getting her way. So by God's grace, I continue to be a work in progress; facing my August fears (yes, it's possible to be afraid of six year olds with no teeth), knowing that God would not continue to call me there without giving me beyond what I need for His work.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
It’s back – the Afraid feeling. It hit me as I walked out of the doors of church today, October 25. If I am honest with myself, being afraid never really left me in the past two months. I know that what I did/have done is trust without borders and just keep moving forward every day. I have managed to take action in light of what I fear; someone told me once that that IS courage.
Here’s where courage took me since August:
- Saying yes to leading a women’s book study during the first two months of starting another year. If you know teachers, we purposely do not, intentionally, ever say yes to stuff like that; and to be the leader is even crazier. But I said yes when God prompted me.
- Saying yes when asked to go out with friends, when I REALLY wanted to curl up alone at home.
- Answering the phone when I see it’s a friend who I know will need to talk for a long time.
- Saying yes to being on Facebook and learning how to run a site for an organization.
- Saying yes to blogging regularly and setting up my own website to continue to fulfill God’s purpose in my life.
I told my prayer partner this past month that being obedient feels good; that trusting God and not constantly searching for the reasons or the future feels good. And it does, it’s less burdensome for sure. And my faith has been made stronger!
Today I’m so afraid it’s choking me. It was truly like a wave washed me under! I just spent over an hour with God, worshiping, listening to the sermon, watching families dedicate their children to the Lord, and a mom baptize her 10 year old daughter. I should have been overjoyed and full of God’s love and grace, that by the way, Pastor Randy said is new every day. God doesn’t give used grace out (pretty profound when you allow yourself to stop and think about the magnitude of that).
But ALL THAT I could think and carry across the parking lot was being afraid of going to church alone forever. It’s Sunday and I’m afraid of the day, deep dread, is that the same as fear I wonder, because it sure feels like it.
Today it paralyzed me; the ocean was rising, rising, rising and immobilized me from being able to complete my list: ironing, making cookies, writing, and schoolwork. I’m afraid of going back to school tomorrow, because I know that the feelings are there. The feelings of being trapped in the same routine, of feeling inadequate as a teacher, of 23 children needing me so much and not having it to give. Mostly being afraid of never getting out.
- I’m afraid of being by myself into my old age.
- I’m afraid of not having any freedom to help take care of my parents when that time comes.
- I’m afraid of being a burden to my children and their families if I am alone.
- I’m afraid of getting a phone call and being told AGAIN that I wasn’t chosen for a job I really wanted.
- I’m afraid of losing my sharpness mentally without daily adult engagement.
- I’m afraid of becoming a teacher who is cynical and settled for the way it is, instead of having the drive to make a difference.
- But I’m still afraid.
- I’m afraid I waited too long to do something.
- I’m afraid I am not good enough and that people can’t see my talents.
- I’m afraid of what if this IS where I am supposed to be for a really long time.
- I am afraid I cannot continue my obedience so easily.
- I am afraid of hurting and emptiness and never having anyone to share my thoughts and love of you with after church.
The August fear of school was apparently just the first wave to hit me. Each one that follows shakes me. Each one is a test of my obedience to take a step where I cannot see, but can only trust. I’m still afraid, but I will face Monday with the hope that the water you call me out upon will be guided by your sovereign hand as I remain obedient.
You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where my feet may fail – but then they don’t fail; I am able to go more. Logically I KNOW you haven’t failed me and you’ve comforted me every morning as I face the day. I KNOW THIS! So in light of my fear, I call upon YOUR name, the only one that’s never changed and I know I am yours always.
