Fears, Vocation, and The Crazy Thing That Happened When I Was 18
When I was 18 I knew I had the passion to be a teacher.
Deep down inside I knew it.
I had wanted to be a teacher ever since my 5th grade teacher told me I was capable. I wanted to do that for someone else. I wanted to be inspiring and helpful and compassionate and real.
By the time I was 18, I knew it was my calling.
Deep down inside I knew it.
But since when is a life-plan so cut and dry? Mine wasn’t either. My love and devotion for the field of agriculture and the opportunities afforded to me over the course of my high school career thanks to FFA had me all confused. Clearly I should major in Ag and do public relations. I would tack on the Ag Ed major too just because the drive to teach was so powerful in my gut. But really did I want to be an Ag teacher? I know some people would respond with a passionate YES!, but that was not me.
I headed into my freshman year at the big bustling University of Illinois confused and feeling overwhelmed. The farm girl from a class of 21 would not handle the transition well. It was so easy to get lost in the crowd and since I didn’t know what was wrong or what I needed or wanted, that was fine with me.
A defining moment happened in the midst of a Bible Study about halfway through first semester. Designing a Woman’s Life, by Judith Couchman was an in-depth study of purpose and what the Bible says about it. Among other things the study aimed to help women see that God gives them specific abilities He intends for them to use one way or another.
It sounded great, but I was dubious. I was so worried about doing the right thing. About heading in the right direction.
I was NOT feeling led.
One exercise asked us to write a few lines to God explaining our hang-ups about pursuing our own unique purpose in life. It started out
¨Dear God, These are my concerns with all this….¨
In response I wrote:
A few weeks later I was walking to class and all of this confusion about my career plans was swirling around in my brain. I was praying on-and-off and trying to process all of it. My desire to TEACH was so strong, but that didn’t really jive with the expectations that had been built up around my current education and I was just so confused about whether I could CHANGE plans and and …
And then I heard a voice.
A loud, deep voice.
I stopped walking.
I remember there was a tree nearby and it was fall and I literally stopped walking because I thought someone had called to me. It was a booming voice and it sounded so clear and real, I was looking around expecting someone to be walking towards me to reiterate his message.
But there was no one.
Just like 18 years ago, God doesn’t say ¨here’s all the details to the plan and it’s going to be great.¨
He says, as He did to Abraham,
¨Trust me.
Now, Go THAT way.¨
The doubts and the fears are real.
The uncertainties are real.
And God’s promises are real too.
He’s given each of us the tools we need to serve the people and the world around us in one way or another.
I know some days you’re afraid and that’s ok. God doesn’t say ¨don’t be a wuss.¨
He says, take that fear and give it to me and let’s go.
We’ve got work to do.
Has God ever spoken to you? Do you have a ¨crazy¨ story like this one? It could be encouraging to someone else!
What jobs have you felt called to, but doubted you could fulfill them? What happened?
Deep down inside I knew it.
I had wanted to be a teacher ever since my 5th grade teacher told me I was capable. I wanted to do that for someone else. I wanted to be inspiring and helpful and compassionate and real.
By the time I was 18, I knew it was my calling.
Deep down inside I knew it.
But since when is a life-plan so cut and dry? Mine wasn’t either. My love and devotion for the field of agriculture and the opportunities afforded to me over the course of my high school career thanks to FFA had me all confused. Clearly I should major in Ag and do public relations. I would tack on the Ag Ed major too just because the drive to teach was so powerful in my gut. But really did I want to be an Ag teacher? I know some people would respond with a passionate YES!, but that was not me.
I headed into my freshman year at the big bustling University of Illinois confused and feeling overwhelmed. The farm girl from a class of 21 would not handle the transition well. It was so easy to get lost in the crowd and since I didn’t know what was wrong or what I needed or wanted, that was fine with me.
A defining moment happened in the midst of a Bible Study about halfway through first semester. Designing a Woman’s Life, by Judith Couchman was an in-depth study of purpose and what the Bible says about it. Among other things the study aimed to help women see that God gives them specific abilities He intends for them to use one way or another.
It sounded great, but I was dubious. I was so worried about doing the right thing. About heading in the right direction.
I was NOT feeling led.
One exercise asked us to write a few lines to God explaining our hang-ups about pursuing our own unique purpose in life. It started out
¨Dear God, These are my concerns with all this….¨
In response I wrote:
Can I fulfill the purpose you have for me?
I worry so much I won’t know!
What about all the doubts I have?!
I worry so much I won’t know!
What about all the doubts I have?!
A few weeks later I was walking to class and all of this confusion about my career plans was swirling around in my brain. I was praying on-and-off and trying to process all of it. My desire to TEACH was so strong, but that didn’t really jive with the expectations that had been built up around my current education and I was just so confused about whether I could CHANGE plans and and …
And then I heard a voice.
A loud, deep voice.
I stopped walking.
I remember there was a tree nearby and it was fall and I literally stopped walking because I thought someone had called to me. It was a booming voice and it sounded so clear and real, I was looking around expecting someone to be walking towards me to reiterate his message.
But there was no one.
Just me. On the street on a campus where I was failing miserably and flailing for that matter and feeling lost and like a big loser with no direction.
But I had heard a voice say,
No one? No it had to be someone. It sounded like a loud but friendly voice coming from across the street or something.
Wait. This is crazy.
Oh my gosh, this is CRAZY!
I remember RUNNING back to the house I lived (a Christian cooperative house) and rushing in to find a friend I could tell. God had just spoken to me! I was sure of it! I knew I sounded nuts, but I finally felt a 100% assurance that I was supposed to teach. What a gift God had given me! What a privilege!
But I had heard a voice say,
¨Trust in me. I’ll show you the way!¨
What? Who said that?No one? No it had to be someone. It sounded like a loud but friendly voice coming from across the street or something.
Wait. This is crazy.
Oh my gosh, this is CRAZY!
I remember RUNNING back to the house I lived (a Christian cooperative house) and rushing in to find a friend I could tell. God had just spoken to me! I was sure of it! I knew I sounded nuts, but I finally felt a 100% assurance that I was supposed to teach. What a gift God had given me! What a privilege!
So then everything fell into place.
HA! Just kidding.
The path was rocky and I was a train wreck.
The next few years were centered around me learning way too many painful, real life lessons. I took the 5-year-plan and 2 colleges later (and a wedding) eventually I graduated with the certification to be an English teacher.
I taught for 7 years before I would start this process of understanding my purpose all over again, when I quit my job to be more available for my kids.
That’s another story, but eventually a women’s ministry began through writing and speaking about how Scripture applies to our real, everyday lives.
Last fall I was looking through some old books and I found my Designing a Woman’s Life Bible study from 18 years prior when I was a college freshman. I flipped through fondly and started reading the section on Authenticity.
I found a couple of questions and my 18 year old answers looked like this:
HA! Just kidding.
The path was rocky and I was a train wreck.
The next few years were centered around me learning way too many painful, real life lessons. I took the 5-year-plan and 2 colleges later (and a wedding) eventually I graduated with the certification to be an English teacher.
I taught for 7 years before I would start this process of understanding my purpose all over again, when I quit my job to be more available for my kids.
That’s another story, but eventually a women’s ministry began through writing and speaking about how Scripture applies to our real, everyday lives.
Last fall I was looking through some old books and I found my Designing a Woman’s Life Bible study from 18 years prior when I was a college freshman. I flipped through fondly and started reading the section on Authenticity.
I found a couple of questions and my 18 year old answers looked like this:
1. What makes you unique? List three personal characteristics.
I think I can speak well in front of groups.
I think I can speak well in front of groups.
I love to laugh. I love encouraging people.
My love of people… Is that unique?
2. What do you delight in doing, even if you’re not accomplished at it?
Speaking in front of groups.
Discussing God’s Word.
Any type of communicating/teaching others
When I found this I was in need of a get-your-head-on-straight-and-take-this-ministry-seriously moment. Reading these words did the trick. I was radically inspired. What a find! It was like a message from God saying, I gave you these gifts long ago and yes you should keep doing something with them.
Over and over again I’m surprised to find myself in positions where I can use the things I’m good at to serve my God. Right now I’m a full-time sub. As such I’m serving my family by contributing financially and I’d like to think I’m serving my students and community too.
When I was at home more, I was serving my family being available as mom and home-manager, but also serving sisters-in-Christ as a speaker and a writer.
All of these jobs have come with a lot of fear and doubt. As I wrote in my workbook long ago, lots of the time I’m not sure. Not sure if I CAN, not sure if I should.
At the time I had no idea that years later when feeling drawn to ministry, I would find comfort in the words God spoke to Abraham:
¨Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.¨
My love of people… Is that unique?
2. What do you delight in doing, even if you’re not accomplished at it?
Speaking in front of groups.
Discussing God’s Word.
Any type of communicating/teaching others
When I found this I was in need of a get-your-head-on-straight-and-take-this-ministry-seriously moment. Reading these words did the trick. I was radically inspired. What a find! It was like a message from God saying, I gave you these gifts long ago and yes you should keep doing something with them.
Over and over again I’m surprised to find myself in positions where I can use the things I’m good at to serve my God. Right now I’m a full-time sub. As such I’m serving my family by contributing financially and I’d like to think I’m serving my students and community too.
When I was at home more, I was serving my family being available as mom and home-manager, but also serving sisters-in-Christ as a speaker and a writer.
All of these jobs have come with a lot of fear and doubt. As I wrote in my workbook long ago, lots of the time I’m not sure. Not sure if I CAN, not sure if I should.
At the time I had no idea that years later when feeling drawn to ministry, I would find comfort in the words God spoke to Abraham:
¨Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.¨
(Genesis 12:1)
Just like 18 years ago, God doesn’t say ¨here’s all the details to the plan and it’s going to be great.¨
He says, as He did to Abraham,
¨Trust me.
Now, Go THAT way.¨
The doubts and the fears are real.
The uncertainties are real.
And God’s promises are real too.
He’s given each of us the tools we need to serve the people and the world around us in one way or another.
I know some days you’re afraid and that’s ok. God doesn’t say ¨don’t be a wuss.¨
He says, take that fear and give it to me and let’s go.
We’ve got work to do.
Has God ever spoken to you? Do you have a ¨crazy¨ story like this one? It could be encouraging to someone else!
What jobs have you felt called to, but doubted you could fulfill them? What happened?
